Temptations and other crap single gals go through

I was not going to blog about this but since it has happened to me a few times in my personal life it has to be addressed.

When I was younger and learned about how married men lust over single women I thought "what is wrong with people?"  Single women would thrive off the attention and I never understood why they would want to give into that bad temptation.

Until it happened to me.

After my ex and I split I spent a lot of time on a chat app talking to other guys, getting to know them, ect.  I came across a guy who later told me he was married.  This was the first time I had a married guy want me and that attention just made me feel sexy and wanted.  I wasn't sure if I should meet up with him but apparently his wife was always out of town and whatnot and he was always lonely and I felt bad for him.  We had hooked up once after he took me out to lunch one day and after that we slowly lost touch.  After almost a year went by he came into my work and my feelings for him came up once again.  We haven't talked again since then, guess he felt bad, hell, I felt bad...

After this scenario, married guys came out of the woodwork complaining about their wives not living up to their satisfactions, their needs, wants, ect.  They wanted someone to talk to, I guess they lacked a lot from their marriages and they come to us single girls to fill that void.  I hated those women then when my ex and I separated I wanted that void filled also. 

We never know what its like to be in someones shoes until we fill those shoes.  I know that the things done were wrong but it all boils down to one...feeling wanted..feeling like you are wanted...

I'm not dissing on married women not showing love, attention, ect, I'm just saying that after my crappy 10 year marriage I know what the guys that I met went through.  I understand us women have kids, jobs, ect to take care of but if you aren't taking care of your significant other they will go looking for us and we really don't want that drama on our hands, we have enough crap to deal with...

The way I see it(some pet peeves, annoyances, ect)

This goes out to a lot of females and I'm not going to target any particular ones..okay..sometimes I target army wives and thats just because I been around them for far too long and long enough to know their immature tyrants. 

One thing in particular I have issues with is females and their weight problems.  If you are under a size 10 and think you have to stay under just to make your man happy you have insecurity issues..if your man agrees that you should, he's a douchebag who deserves to get kicked in his balls.

I struggled with my weight for years.  During the last half of my failed marriage I was up to 250 lbs and probably did look horridly disgusting to my husband at the time(me attempting sex was failed numerous times mind you).  Yes, I know there is a difference between morbidly obese and curvy..I was just gross...

But...

If your man loves you enough he won't care if you gained some weight.  He should support your goals though but not force you to stay under a certain weight or dress size.  The average size of a woman is around 14-16 which was Marilyn Monroe's dress size and men loved and adored her.  If a guy doesn't like a woman that size he needs a reality check and fast.  I knew some guys who say "If I wanted to date a female who has the body of a 10 year old boy, I'd date the 10 year old boy"

Gross analogy really but we get the point.

Point being is this:

A real man loves curves and loves a woman who gains some weight but loves her body nonetheless..us women will gain and lose weight all our lives, we need to embrace that fact and find men who embrace it also.  The shallow men can all live on their imaginary planet with fake women who they can break in half when they have sex with them. 

Just saying.

Music Monday

I am addicted to this song, the words remind me of my last relationship..

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

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Yoga, meditation, and things that better your mind

The weekend of my birthday was a huge downfall for me, my anxiety and stress were through the roof, not to mention my dad was coming home for a couple weeks.  I had been feeling really tense and felt like I was out of control, I didn't know who I was in my own skin or was comfortable in it.  I canceled my own birthday party because my anxiety was so strong I felt paralyzed, I didn't get out of bed pretty much the whole weekend, thankfully the kids were at their dads that time.

I forgot about yoga and meditation.  I been doing so much research on this condition I been having since I was about 17 that I did try but I wasn't practicing like I should.  I got in touch with a friend of mine who is earthy and talked to her, she said it helped her tremendously.  I also been looking at other forums and seeing that there were other people like me having the same feelings and same downfalls as me, the feelings like you are going to die, losing control, having multiple diseases and sicknesses.  We don't realize it that our mind makes up things and we just let it control us and in fact, we have to control our own mind. 

I suffered from driving anxiety for years, it felt like I had no freedom or independence.  My husband at the time had to drive everywhere, I could drive short distances but I still had the anxiety the whole time.  It took most of my life.  I felt like I couldn't do anything and when you don't have that control it takes over your whole body.  People who never experienced what I did for years don't understand what I went through.  I feared a lot.  I avoided things because I feared I would have another anxiety attack.  I couldn't enjoy things with my family for that same fear. 

I'm now trying to control these emotions through yoga and meditation.  I try to avoid negative things and I try to tell myself that life is about taking risks, enjoying life, and not hiding from the world.

After I lost weight and got divorced my anxiety lessened but recently with all the stress and 2 kids and living with my mom its been insane.  I still don't have my life back.  I been doing a lot of research and talking to others with the same condition to try and help me get my life back and do things I wouldn't normally do.  I would like to find people in this area that have the same problems and help deal with these emotions.

I pray that God will help me get better and to show me that life is about living, not fearing.

Story thats near and dear to my heart

Growing up I was the chubby nerdy girl who pretty much sat with her nose in a book.  I hung out with the "average" people, the ones who didn't belong in any particular group just hung out with whoever would.  I grew up in the 80's and 90's, I graduated in 1998.  I don't remember teenage suicide though I did remember when I was 14 I was being bullied by a boy in middle school.  I remember buying diet pills and taking more than I should just to see if I could get myself thin.  I tried to overdose on them but failed nonetheless.  I think it was mere cowardliness on my part, I was scared to die but I was also depressed..not a good combo.

I came across this website and it really hit home.  How can we teach our children that bullying is not okay?  How can we make sure our kids are safe and that we don't have to worry about them using a variety of methods to try and end their life?

Communication!

Without communication children are naive to the outside world.  We have to teach our children that love and understanding is more important than hating someone because they are different.  My children are exposed to different kinds of people because I want them to learn love.  My friends are gay men and yes, I think that its okay for my children to know that they are, I think its important that they know.  We can't change people's minds but we can educate them and teaching them to love everyone no matter race, gender, and sexuality.

If my children see people that are different than they are and they ask me questions I will answer truthfully and sincerely and with LOVE not biased hatred.  Hate breeds hate and thats one thing my children will not be.

As I was dropping my entrecards on various bloggers sites I came across this one and I thought it was a perfect idea for my post tonight.

Having an Adele moment...

Excuse me for a moment while I have this because I either debate on eating a whole package of cookies or write this post..I chose not to add more fat to my stomach so here goes.

I understand that this blog is attached to my facebook but right now I don't care, I am pouring my heart out because of the horrible day I have had. 

I felt bad that my daughter had to have 4 shots though I have to say that before it happened she was all excited about getting them not knowing exactly what it pertained.

I had a talk with a guy that I fell for, harder than anyone else I met.  We stopped talking for awhile due to the fact that he tore my heart in two.  We made up through facebook messages a few months ago and then lived our lives.  I had to talk to him about some things then my feelings for him came up again and I hate it, I hate that my heart still longs for him.  I will never be with him since he's in love with someone else.  I'm trying my best to be happy for him and move on but its still hard. 

After my ex and I split I had my heart broken a lot, looking for that void that needed to be filled that my ex neglected to do because alcohol and his own business were more important.  When I met this guy I tried hard not to fall for him because of what had happened before with other guys but it was difficult for me.  I spent a lot of time with him when I wasn't working or having the kids.  I then realized you can't make someone fall in love with you and I know that from past guys that have came and gone in my life.

I now have a guy here that wants to be with me but I still am iffy because I have issues with trusting guys and this guy knows it.  He is trying but in my heart I just can't.  I guess I really am not ready to be in a serious relationship even though I want one.  Loneliness sucks but its better than getting hurt again.  There are times where I just don't get it, I never really understood why people say they are in love, I guess because when I was with my ex I thought I was in love but never really "felt" it if that makes sense.  I never really felt "in love" just the feeling of being wanted and loved.  I was married to someone who wasn't the marrying type and there are times where I think I'm not either and never was.  I want to feel that, I want to feel the butterflies and the spark and all that silly love crap.

I wish nothing but the best for him and I'm glad we are friends.  I will never have him, maybe in another life, but definitely not this one and maybe its for the best, only fate can determine that.

Ugh, my blog posts

Are not as fun as they used to be..I used to post funny pics and be (somewhat) popular on Entrecard.  Ok, so my goal for the next week is to be more positive in life and my posts and be more upbeat.

Ready?

Go!

I'll never be mom of the year

But at least I don't go out drinking and going crazy the nights they are with me.  I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect but don't tell me my downfalls when clearly you have your own.  I can name a list of things that made me the way I am today but I won't because thats not the kind of person I am, I blast people who deserve to be blasted.  I'm not calling anyone out or putting the blame on anyone but I do know this, I try damn hard to be the best mom I can be, putting me down doesn't make you a better mother, it makes you look like an ass.  Bitching to others about me is not right either.  You have just as many faults as I do but I admit mine.  I will never be perfect, I will never be mom of the year, but I think I am doing my best and thats all I can say.

Letting myself breathe and get some things out

I have suffered from anxiety since about the age of 18.  It has taken most of my life away from me, the life I wished I had.  You lose your independence and your enjoyment of life.  I had been on many different meds to try and tackle this but it took more than medication to get over this.  I met my now ex husband when I was 19 and he learned everyday how it effected me.  I couldn't drive and I was afraid of everything.  You don't know what its like not being able to enjoy the things you want to do, everything is scary, you are even afraid of yourself sometimes.  I used to be in and out of the ER because my anxiety would give me chest pains, I would literally think I was having a heart attack.  Sensations through my body would give me scary thoughts like "Am I dying?"  I hope that there is a cure for this, among all the other things that affect our lives of course.  This condition takes away your enjoyment for life, your emotional relationships with others, your overall happiness.  I pray for the day that it leaves me and never returns.

My weird obsession

I wouldn't really call it an obsession but I guess I love the idea of having a secret admirer so to speak.  I occasionally..ok..all the time..go to missed connections on Craigslist to see if anyone has a secret crush on me.  I guess its just one of those things that I secretly wish for.  I know some people would think that would be weird but I think its kinda cute. 

What are your secret obsessions?

Putting on the big girl panties

So I bought a car, I kinda had to since my hunk o junk decided to turn into Lake Michigan.  The rear window likes to roll down by itself and we had a bad thunderstorm last night so it decided that it wanted to be a lake and not a vehicle to take myself to work and take the kids to school when mom wants to sleep in they miss the bus.  I miss the fact that it was big and I could fit quite a few people in it but I won't miss it when it rains and it smells like wet dog.  There is a list of things I won't miss about it but I had some good times in it not that going to Austin was that great but it was a good car for the 2 years I did have it. 

My anxiety is the fact that I now have a car payment and a higher car insurance payment.  No worries, I just need to budget, take out things I don't need and just learn to prioritize my life.  I won't go into the massive amounts of spending when I was married but I don't have someone dipping into the money either(I was bad also so I don't only blame one party).  I know exactly how much is there and exactly what I need to do to get on my feet.  Its going to be hard but I can do it, my negative attitude is slowly diminishing and I am going to be a new me.

Its been awhile

Since I did a Mama Kat Writers workshop and one of the prompts jumped out at me because it really goes with how it helped me relax more...

What was the occasion? Write about the last time you stayed in a hotel.

 

I was having such a crappy week, I had just pretty much started a new job and had been impatiently waiting for my tax refund.  I was hoping to go out and have fun with my friends so I checked my account to see if I had at least a 20 to my name.  I logged on to my account and I about jumped out of my seat..

It finally arrived!

 So the one thing I did was text my friend and I said "you and I are staying at the Hilton!"  He calls me and was like "What?"  I said "I just got my taxes and I want to stay at a hotel for the night, get room service and relax!"  I went on the website to see the accommodations and such and I was psyched when I saw that everything I needed for pure relaxation was there.  I booked it online, went to pick him up and checked in.  When we got in I had to play with the soft/firm knob on the side of the bed, I put it all the way on soft and just laid there, it was sooo nice!  

The next morning was a wonderful breakfast of eggs, bacon, waffles, muffins, ect and we indulged.  It was the best time.  I would highly recommend staying at one of these hotels if you need some time "away" so to speak.  We were sad to leave that amazing soft bed but it was nice while it lasted!

It wasn't any occasion it was just something I needed to get away and relax for the night.

Army wives and wth is wrong with our soldiers?

But since I ended my army wife title I witness each day as to why I did not get along with most of my fellow army wives.  I can repeat myself over and over like a broken record but it still doesn't seem like it gets through to most of their heads.  I smh at our soldiers and I get it, you guys are lonely but really, is it really worth it marrying someone who does nothing but bitch, sit on their butts, and spend your money?  I see this at Home Depot every day.  I actually checked out one wife who spent over 300 dollars on plants and flowers.  As I'm talking to her she says he hates it but apparently she does something great in the bedroom for him to let her continue this addiction..she says "its his problem" if he hates her outlandish spending.  I don't get it.  I remember that I had my spouts of being an OSMW (overly sensitive military wife).  I think every military wife has those moments but theres a point between having an occasional spout and having one every damn day.  Living in the biggest post in the world is not only frustrating but it makes the good army wives look horrible.  I go out as a single girl and smh at these wives who make utter fools of themselves, grinding on soldiers, doing things that would make their husbands throw divorce papers at their nasty selves.  These things go on every day and I see it.  When I was on the POF site I met a few separated guys and a few unhappily married guys..all soldiers.  I don't get that either. 

These things will go on and I'm sure won't ever stop unless we help these wives because obviously they are doing these things for attention.  If I become a Marine wife I will have to deal with the same things also and all we can do is give support even if we want to wring their necks sometimes!

Better day today

I had a few little anxiety attacks but they were ok, nothing to get scared about.  My thing now is talking them through.  The different sensations I have I am like, ok, your teeth hurt because you need fillings, your stomach hurts because you haven't eaten in awhile.  After I talk myself through it gets better.

I am also happy because my babe texts me more.  I want to talk to him but he's been really busy and he's always tired in the evening which is understandable because he's training then deploying. :(  I had never dated a marine before so I'm not sure if its the same as army or what..guess I'll find that out more down the road.  I just hope that I am not getting my hopes up like before or my views on men will pretty much be the same but a lot worse than before. 

Not much else to write about today but blogging about my latest anxiety scares have been helping me more lately.

Til later.

Life..and anxiety

So I been told that I need to write about when I have anxiety and its been really bad lately to the point where I couldn't even go to my own birthday party, I had to cancel.  I also had to leave work early that day.  It has been quite awhile since I had these bad attacks and I know that due to stress and everything else has caused it.

A little on my history..

My senior year of high school I remember I was on my way to a football game in another town and I had nauseous feelings and feelings I was going to die, I couldn't eat or anything I had no idea what this feeling was.  When I got into college it got even worse I thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I have had to go to the ER a few times that year.  The doctor gave me a trial prescription of paxil, all my bloodwork was normal so he diagnosed me with anxiety.

I moved back home because my roommate was psychotic(hence my ER visits and scares).  My anxiety didn't seem to get better no matter what pills they put me on.  Nothing worked.  I started seeing a psychiatrist to talk everything out.  I talked about everything, my needing independence which I still didn't have at that point because of everything that went on in my life beforehand.  I talked about childhood, moving around a lot, ect.

I met my now ex husband when I was 19 and my attacks were still there but not as bad, I felt in love, I felt cared about, understood.  We fought a lot though which didn't help matters..well, I fought, he just took it which in turn pissed me off more.

My dependence turned into agreeing to marry him, I married him because at that time I thought I was in love with him.  I wasn't deemed pretty or thin to guys so once he gave me attention I gave him my love.  My dad found out we were getting stationed in Germany which was where my ex moved to after he asked me to marry him.  My anxiety still present off and on.  I was trying anything the docs threw at me..buspar, zoloft, xanax, nothing worked, it masked the problem and made me happy but not free from anxiety.

I loved Germany but alas, I was still going to the ER, the docs did test after test, still everything was normal so results show it is still anxiety.

Years pass, I still can't function, can't drive, can't have the freedom I so desperately needed and wanted.

When we got orders to Alaska I did not want to go..my ex on the other hand said he wanted to and did not want to deny them.  Me, like a good army wife, decided to follow my husband.  Marriage was very rocky at that point.  I was a hermit.  I decided to leave Alaska a few months before we were supposed to and I moved back home.  I was at my highest weight of 250 lbs, depressed, and my anxiety was still at its peak.

2009 my doc told me if I didn't lose this weight I would be diabetic, that scared me.  I found an amazing diet and lost about 60 lbs.  I also got rid of most of the anxiety along with it.  I was able to drive and I couldn't believe it!

After my ex got back things didn't go exactly like they should, we were constantly bickering and I just decided I couldn't be in this marriage anymore.  He turned vindictive and things just got worse.  I got kicked out of housing even though we were still married(long story).  I moved back in with my parents..yeah, the one place I wanted to leave in the first place! 

Lately my anxiety has just gotten worse.  Thankfully I still have celexa(which helped after I was prescribed it).  I take it when I get anxiety the worst and I take it at night.  I wake up in the middle of the night but after I take it I feel better the next day.  I pray that I get rid of it permanently.  This psychological problem is not fun and it makes people dread getting up the next day and going places and enjoying life.  I want to enjoy life not fear that I will have another attack.

I will continue writing about this because I hope that it will get out to others who also suffer from this condition.  Its not fun, its not fun to make fun of, and its pretty damn serious.  As I'm writing it seems to slowly diminish.  This is how I know its anxiety.  Before I would get really bad attacks, now that I talk myself through them and understand them more they don't get as bad as before.

Can you seriously be crazy about someone you never met?

Well considering the fact that I was crazy about my unborn children whom of course I didn't meet til after they came out of my womb it is possible.

A friend of mine had a picture up of two really cute marines and she was online at the time and I was like "Girl, who are the cuties on your profile?"  She proceeded to tell me that the one on the left was her brother who was killed while deployed.  I was sad for her because I know that I wouldn't be able to live without my sister who drives me crazy but she will always be my bestie.  The guy on the right is his best friend Brandon.  I didn't think anything, just talking to her about randomness like we always do then she goes "Lightbulb, I have an idea!"

I'm thinking "ok, Sarah, what are you thinking about now?"

She goes on to say "I'm totally going to hook you up with him"  I was like "Who?"  She goes "Brandon, the guy in the pic".  I was done looking for Mr. Right after all the disappointments I have had so far I was like "I dunno..I mean, does he like curvy chicks?"  She goes on to say that he had been hurt in the past and that he wants to meet someone sweet and will treat him right.  I give her the benefit of the doubt and let her play cupid, after all, noone had ever done something like this for me so I give it a shot.

So after a few days she talks him into making a facebook which I was pretty excited about because then I could talk to him more since he didn't have a phone, we were communicating through text via his ipad and my cell.  He was asking me about the different things he could do on facebook because he never had one before.  He noticed the "relationship status" and was asking about how he could change it..his words not mine:

so i was going through setting this up and in featured people is says relationship so what do i put there cause obviously talking to the most sweetest girl i've talked to isn't a option

My heart about melted and I was like "Ok, calm your 16 year old self down, you are grown, act like it!" I proceeded to ask him if he was insinuating that he wanted to be in a relationship with me...nervously he said via messaging that he did.  He now leaves the sweetest messages on my profile..I feel like a freaking teenager again but I'm slowly still guarding my heart because of all the other times I didn't and got hurt.

This is the first video he posted on my profile after the status change <3

I know what you are thinking, this chick is crazy...well ya know after everything I went through and put up with maybe I am..who knows, maybe he is the one and if not, I learned again to just not deal with love any longer, if it happens then so be it, if not, I have two great children that love me no matter what.

Death and other stuff...

As I was writing on my friend's facebook(who passed away last month at the age of 21) I was thinking about how, as friends, we don't think about others as much as when we do after they pass.  Joe was like a brother to me and I loved him as such but I never thought about him everyday like I do since I learned of his passing.  It just makes me think that I need to be a better friend to others on earth because you never know what happens tomorrow.  I been in such a funk lately with stress, work, kids, ect that I just became distant towards everyone and it seems that people just want me to suck it up and get over it. 

It doesn't work that way.

As humans, we all want support, we want love, we want acceptance and that is a few of the problems that Joe had and I wish that I could have helped him more.  Too many people want to shrug off others issues because we all have our own issues. 

I'm here to tell you that even though we all have our own dust to settle, we should also be friends.  We should just have a random act of kindness daily.  We should catch up on friends, see how they are doing, and see if we can help them or look to others to help them.  We all can do more if we try.

I miss him everyday and think about him often...something that I should do for everyone in my life and not wait til they are gone to do it more.