So I been told that I need to write about when I have anxiety and its been really bad lately to the point where I couldn't even go to my own birthday party, I had to cancel. I also had to leave work early that day. It has been quite awhile since I had these bad attacks and I know that due to stress and everything else has caused it.
A little on my history..
My senior year of high school I remember I was on my way to a football game in another town and I had nauseous feelings and feelings I was going to die, I couldn't eat or anything I had no idea what this feeling was. When I got into college it got even worse I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I have had to go to the ER a few times that year. The doctor gave me a trial prescription of paxil, all my bloodwork was normal so he diagnosed me with anxiety.
I moved back home because my roommate was psychotic(hence my ER visits and scares). My anxiety didn't seem to get better no matter what pills they put me on. Nothing worked. I started seeing a psychiatrist to talk everything out. I talked about everything, my needing independence which I still didn't have at that point because of everything that went on in my life beforehand. I talked about childhood, moving around a lot, ect.
I met my now ex husband when I was 19 and my attacks were still there but not as bad, I felt in love, I felt cared about, understood. We fought a lot though which didn't help matters..well, I fought, he just took it which in turn pissed me off more.
My dependence turned into agreeing to marry him, I married him because at that time I thought I was in love with him. I wasn't deemed pretty or thin to guys so once he gave me attention I gave him my love. My dad found out we were getting stationed in Germany which was where my ex moved to after he asked me to marry him. My anxiety still present off and on. I was trying anything the docs threw at me..buspar, zoloft, xanax, nothing worked, it masked the problem and made me happy but not free from anxiety.
I loved Germany but alas, I was still going to the ER, the docs did test after test, still everything was normal so results show it is still anxiety.
Years pass, I still can't function, can't drive, can't have the freedom I so desperately needed and wanted.
When we got orders to Alaska I did not want to go..my ex on the other hand said he wanted to and did not want to deny them. Me, like a good army wife, decided to follow my husband. Marriage was very rocky at that point. I was a hermit. I decided to leave Alaska a few months before we were supposed to and I moved back home. I was at my highest weight of 250 lbs, depressed, and my anxiety was still at its peak.
2009 my doc told me if I didn't lose this weight I would be diabetic, that scared me. I found an amazing diet and lost about 60 lbs. I also got rid of most of the anxiety along with it. I was able to drive and I couldn't believe it!
After my ex got back things didn't go exactly like they should, we were constantly bickering and I just decided I couldn't be in this marriage anymore. He turned vindictive and things just got worse. I got kicked out of housing even though we were still married(long story). I moved back in with my parents..yeah, the one place I wanted to leave in the first place!
Lately my anxiety has just gotten worse. Thankfully I still have celexa(which helped after I was prescribed it). I take it when I get anxiety the worst and I take it at night. I wake up in the middle of the night but after I take it I feel better the next day. I pray that I get rid of it permanently. This psychological problem is not fun and it makes people dread getting up the next day and going places and enjoying life. I want to enjoy life not fear that I will have another attack.
I will continue writing about this because I hope that it will get out to others who also suffer from this condition. Its not fun, its not fun to make fun of, and its pretty damn serious. As I'm writing it seems to slowly diminish. This is how I know its anxiety. Before I would get really bad attacks, now that I talk myself through them and understand them more they don't get as bad as before.
No comments:
Post a Comment