Ugh, my blog posts

Are not as fun as they used to be..I used to post funny pics and be (somewhat) popular on Entrecard.  Ok, so my goal for the next week is to be more positive in life and my posts and be more upbeat.

Ready?

Go!

I'll never be mom of the year

But at least I don't go out drinking and going crazy the nights they are with me.  I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect but don't tell me my downfalls when clearly you have your own.  I can name a list of things that made me the way I am today but I won't because thats not the kind of person I am, I blast people who deserve to be blasted.  I'm not calling anyone out or putting the blame on anyone but I do know this, I try damn hard to be the best mom I can be, putting me down doesn't make you a better mother, it makes you look like an ass.  Bitching to others about me is not right either.  You have just as many faults as I do but I admit mine.  I will never be perfect, I will never be mom of the year, but I think I am doing my best and thats all I can say.

Letting myself breathe and get some things out

I have suffered from anxiety since about the age of 18.  It has taken most of my life away from me, the life I wished I had.  You lose your independence and your enjoyment of life.  I had been on many different meds to try and tackle this but it took more than medication to get over this.  I met my now ex husband when I was 19 and he learned everyday how it effected me.  I couldn't drive and I was afraid of everything.  You don't know what its like not being able to enjoy the things you want to do, everything is scary, you are even afraid of yourself sometimes.  I used to be in and out of the ER because my anxiety would give me chest pains, I would literally think I was having a heart attack.  Sensations through my body would give me scary thoughts like "Am I dying?"  I hope that there is a cure for this, among all the other things that affect our lives of course.  This condition takes away your enjoyment for life, your emotional relationships with others, your overall happiness.  I pray for the day that it leaves me and never returns.

My weird obsession

I wouldn't really call it an obsession but I guess I love the idea of having a secret admirer so to speak.  I occasionally..ok..all the time..go to missed connections on Craigslist to see if anyone has a secret crush on me.  I guess its just one of those things that I secretly wish for.  I know some people would think that would be weird but I think its kinda cute. 

What are your secret obsessions?

Putting on the big girl panties

So I bought a car, I kinda had to since my hunk o junk decided to turn into Lake Michigan.  The rear window likes to roll down by itself and we had a bad thunderstorm last night so it decided that it wanted to be a lake and not a vehicle to take myself to work and take the kids to school when mom wants to sleep in they miss the bus.  I miss the fact that it was big and I could fit quite a few people in it but I won't miss it when it rains and it smells like wet dog.  There is a list of things I won't miss about it but I had some good times in it not that going to Austin was that great but it was a good car for the 2 years I did have it. 

My anxiety is the fact that I now have a car payment and a higher car insurance payment.  No worries, I just need to budget, take out things I don't need and just learn to prioritize my life.  I won't go into the massive amounts of spending when I was married but I don't have someone dipping into the money either(I was bad also so I don't only blame one party).  I know exactly how much is there and exactly what I need to do to get on my feet.  Its going to be hard but I can do it, my negative attitude is slowly diminishing and I am going to be a new me.

Its been awhile

Since I did a Mama Kat Writers workshop and one of the prompts jumped out at me because it really goes with how it helped me relax more...

What was the occasion? Write about the last time you stayed in a hotel.

 

I was having such a crappy week, I had just pretty much started a new job and had been impatiently waiting for my tax refund.  I was hoping to go out and have fun with my friends so I checked my account to see if I had at least a 20 to my name.  I logged on to my account and I about jumped out of my seat..

It finally arrived!

 So the one thing I did was text my friend and I said "you and I are staying at the Hilton!"  He calls me and was like "What?"  I said "I just got my taxes and I want to stay at a hotel for the night, get room service and relax!"  I went on the website to see the accommodations and such and I was psyched when I saw that everything I needed for pure relaxation was there.  I booked it online, went to pick him up and checked in.  When we got in I had to play with the soft/firm knob on the side of the bed, I put it all the way on soft and just laid there, it was sooo nice!  

The next morning was a wonderful breakfast of eggs, bacon, waffles, muffins, ect and we indulged.  It was the best time.  I would highly recommend staying at one of these hotels if you need some time "away" so to speak.  We were sad to leave that amazing soft bed but it was nice while it lasted!

It wasn't any occasion it was just something I needed to get away and relax for the night.

Army wives and wth is wrong with our soldiers?

But since I ended my army wife title I witness each day as to why I did not get along with most of my fellow army wives.  I can repeat myself over and over like a broken record but it still doesn't seem like it gets through to most of their heads.  I smh at our soldiers and I get it, you guys are lonely but really, is it really worth it marrying someone who does nothing but bitch, sit on their butts, and spend your money?  I see this at Home Depot every day.  I actually checked out one wife who spent over 300 dollars on plants and flowers.  As I'm talking to her she says he hates it but apparently she does something great in the bedroom for him to let her continue this addiction..she says "its his problem" if he hates her outlandish spending.  I don't get it.  I remember that I had my spouts of being an OSMW (overly sensitive military wife).  I think every military wife has those moments but theres a point between having an occasional spout and having one every damn day.  Living in the biggest post in the world is not only frustrating but it makes the good army wives look horrible.  I go out as a single girl and smh at these wives who make utter fools of themselves, grinding on soldiers, doing things that would make their husbands throw divorce papers at their nasty selves.  These things go on every day and I see it.  When I was on the POF site I met a few separated guys and a few unhappily married guys..all soldiers.  I don't get that either. 

These things will go on and I'm sure won't ever stop unless we help these wives because obviously they are doing these things for attention.  If I become a Marine wife I will have to deal with the same things also and all we can do is give support even if we want to wring their necks sometimes!

Better day today

I had a few little anxiety attacks but they were ok, nothing to get scared about.  My thing now is talking them through.  The different sensations I have I am like, ok, your teeth hurt because you need fillings, your stomach hurts because you haven't eaten in awhile.  After I talk myself through it gets better.

I am also happy because my babe texts me more.  I want to talk to him but he's been really busy and he's always tired in the evening which is understandable because he's training then deploying. :(  I had never dated a marine before so I'm not sure if its the same as army or what..guess I'll find that out more down the road.  I just hope that I am not getting my hopes up like before or my views on men will pretty much be the same but a lot worse than before. 

Not much else to write about today but blogging about my latest anxiety scares have been helping me more lately.

Til later.

Life..and anxiety

So I been told that I need to write about when I have anxiety and its been really bad lately to the point where I couldn't even go to my own birthday party, I had to cancel.  I also had to leave work early that day.  It has been quite awhile since I had these bad attacks and I know that due to stress and everything else has caused it.

A little on my history..

My senior year of high school I remember I was on my way to a football game in another town and I had nauseous feelings and feelings I was going to die, I couldn't eat or anything I had no idea what this feeling was.  When I got into college it got even worse I thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I have had to go to the ER a few times that year.  The doctor gave me a trial prescription of paxil, all my bloodwork was normal so he diagnosed me with anxiety.

I moved back home because my roommate was psychotic(hence my ER visits and scares).  My anxiety didn't seem to get better no matter what pills they put me on.  Nothing worked.  I started seeing a psychiatrist to talk everything out.  I talked about everything, my needing independence which I still didn't have at that point because of everything that went on in my life beforehand.  I talked about childhood, moving around a lot, ect.

I met my now ex husband when I was 19 and my attacks were still there but not as bad, I felt in love, I felt cared about, understood.  We fought a lot though which didn't help matters..well, I fought, he just took it which in turn pissed me off more.

My dependence turned into agreeing to marry him, I married him because at that time I thought I was in love with him.  I wasn't deemed pretty or thin to guys so once he gave me attention I gave him my love.  My dad found out we were getting stationed in Germany which was where my ex moved to after he asked me to marry him.  My anxiety still present off and on.  I was trying anything the docs threw at me..buspar, zoloft, xanax, nothing worked, it masked the problem and made me happy but not free from anxiety.

I loved Germany but alas, I was still going to the ER, the docs did test after test, still everything was normal so results show it is still anxiety.

Years pass, I still can't function, can't drive, can't have the freedom I so desperately needed and wanted.

When we got orders to Alaska I did not want to go..my ex on the other hand said he wanted to and did not want to deny them.  Me, like a good army wife, decided to follow my husband.  Marriage was very rocky at that point.  I was a hermit.  I decided to leave Alaska a few months before we were supposed to and I moved back home.  I was at my highest weight of 250 lbs, depressed, and my anxiety was still at its peak.

2009 my doc told me if I didn't lose this weight I would be diabetic, that scared me.  I found an amazing diet and lost about 60 lbs.  I also got rid of most of the anxiety along with it.  I was able to drive and I couldn't believe it!

After my ex got back things didn't go exactly like they should, we were constantly bickering and I just decided I couldn't be in this marriage anymore.  He turned vindictive and things just got worse.  I got kicked out of housing even though we were still married(long story).  I moved back in with my parents..yeah, the one place I wanted to leave in the first place! 

Lately my anxiety has just gotten worse.  Thankfully I still have celexa(which helped after I was prescribed it).  I take it when I get anxiety the worst and I take it at night.  I wake up in the middle of the night but after I take it I feel better the next day.  I pray that I get rid of it permanently.  This psychological problem is not fun and it makes people dread getting up the next day and going places and enjoying life.  I want to enjoy life not fear that I will have another attack.

I will continue writing about this because I hope that it will get out to others who also suffer from this condition.  Its not fun, its not fun to make fun of, and its pretty damn serious.  As I'm writing it seems to slowly diminish.  This is how I know its anxiety.  Before I would get really bad attacks, now that I talk myself through them and understand them more they don't get as bad as before.

Can you seriously be crazy about someone you never met?

Well considering the fact that I was crazy about my unborn children whom of course I didn't meet til after they came out of my womb it is possible.

A friend of mine had a picture up of two really cute marines and she was online at the time and I was like "Girl, who are the cuties on your profile?"  She proceeded to tell me that the one on the left was her brother who was killed while deployed.  I was sad for her because I know that I wouldn't be able to live without my sister who drives me crazy but she will always be my bestie.  The guy on the right is his best friend Brandon.  I didn't think anything, just talking to her about randomness like we always do then she goes "Lightbulb, I have an idea!"

I'm thinking "ok, Sarah, what are you thinking about now?"

She goes on to say "I'm totally going to hook you up with him"  I was like "Who?"  She goes "Brandon, the guy in the pic".  I was done looking for Mr. Right after all the disappointments I have had so far I was like "I dunno..I mean, does he like curvy chicks?"  She goes on to say that he had been hurt in the past and that he wants to meet someone sweet and will treat him right.  I give her the benefit of the doubt and let her play cupid, after all, noone had ever done something like this for me so I give it a shot.

So after a few days she talks him into making a facebook which I was pretty excited about because then I could talk to him more since he didn't have a phone, we were communicating through text via his ipad and my cell.  He was asking me about the different things he could do on facebook because he never had one before.  He noticed the "relationship status" and was asking about how he could change it..his words not mine:

so i was going through setting this up and in featured people is says relationship so what do i put there cause obviously talking to the most sweetest girl i've talked to isn't a option

My heart about melted and I was like "Ok, calm your 16 year old self down, you are grown, act like it!" I proceeded to ask him if he was insinuating that he wanted to be in a relationship with me...nervously he said via messaging that he did.  He now leaves the sweetest messages on my profile..I feel like a freaking teenager again but I'm slowly still guarding my heart because of all the other times I didn't and got hurt.

This is the first video he posted on my profile after the status change <3

I know what you are thinking, this chick is crazy...well ya know after everything I went through and put up with maybe I am..who knows, maybe he is the one and if not, I learned again to just not deal with love any longer, if it happens then so be it, if not, I have two great children that love me no matter what.