Monday, June 25, 2012

Temptations and other crap single gals go through

I was not going to blog about this but since it has happened to me a few times in my personal life it has to be addressed.

When I was younger and learned about how married men lust over single women I thought "what is wrong with people?"  Single women would thrive off the attention and I never understood why they would want to give into that bad temptation.

Until it happened to me.

After my ex and I split I spent a lot of time on a chat app talking to other guys, getting to know them, ect.  I came across a guy who later told me he was married.  This was the first time I had a married guy want me and that attention just made me feel sexy and wanted.  I wasn't sure if I should meet up with him but apparently his wife was always out of town and whatnot and he was always lonely and I felt bad for him.  We had hooked up once after he took me out to lunch one day and after that we slowly lost touch.  After almost a year went by he came into my work and my feelings for him came up once again.  We haven't talked again since then, guess he felt bad, hell, I felt bad...

After this scenario, married guys came out of the woodwork complaining about their wives not living up to their satisfactions, their needs, wants, ect.  They wanted someone to talk to, I guess they lacked a lot from their marriages and they come to us single girls to fill that void.  I hated those women then when my ex and I separated I wanted that void filled also. 

We never know what its like to be in someones shoes until we fill those shoes.  I know that the things done were wrong but it all boils down to one...feeling wanted..feeling like you are wanted...

I'm not dissing on married women not showing love, attention, ect, I'm just saying that after my crappy 10 year marriage I know what the guys that I met went through.  I understand us women have kids, jobs, ect to take care of but if you aren't taking care of your significant other they will go looking for us and we really don't want that drama on our hands, we have enough crap to deal with...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The way I see it(some pet peeves, annoyances, ect)

This goes out to a lot of females and I'm not going to target any particular ones..okay..sometimes I target army wives and thats just because I been around them for far too long and long enough to know their immature tyrants. 

One thing in particular I have issues with is females and their weight problems.  If you are under a size 10 and think you have to stay under just to make your man happy you have insecurity issues..if your man agrees that you should, he's a douchebag who deserves to get kicked in his balls.

I struggled with my weight for years.  During the last half of my failed marriage I was up to 250 lbs and probably did look horridly disgusting to my husband at the time(me attempting sex was failed numerous times mind you).  Yes, I know there is a difference between morbidly obese and curvy..I was just gross...


If your man loves you enough he won't care if you gained some weight.  He should support your goals though but not force you to stay under a certain weight or dress size.  The average size of a woman is around 14-16 which was Marilyn Monroe's dress size and men loved and adored her.  If a guy doesn't like a woman that size he needs a reality check and fast.  I knew some guys who say "If I wanted to date a female who has the body of a 10 year old boy, I'd date the 10 year old boy"

Gross analogy really but we get the point.

Point being is this:

A real man loves curves and loves a woman who gains some weight but loves her body women will gain and lose weight all our lives, we need to embrace that fact and find men who embrace it also.  The shallow men can all live on their imaginary planet with fake women who they can break in half when they have sex with them. 

Just saying.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Music Monday

I am addicted to this song, the words remind me of my last relationship..

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Yoga, meditation, and things that better your mind

The weekend of my birthday was a huge downfall for me, my anxiety and stress were through the roof, not to mention my dad was coming home for a couple weeks.  I had been feeling really tense and felt like I was out of control, I didn't know who I was in my own skin or was comfortable in it.  I canceled my own birthday party because my anxiety was so strong I felt paralyzed, I didn't get out of bed pretty much the whole weekend, thankfully the kids were at their dads that time.

I forgot about yoga and meditation.  I been doing so much research on this condition I been having since I was about 17 that I did try but I wasn't practicing like I should.  I got in touch with a friend of mine who is earthy and talked to her, she said it helped her tremendously.  I also been looking at other forums and seeing that there were other people like me having the same feelings and same downfalls as me, the feelings like you are going to die, losing control, having multiple diseases and sicknesses.  We don't realize it that our mind makes up things and we just let it control us and in fact, we have to control our own mind. 

I suffered from driving anxiety for years, it felt like I had no freedom or independence.  My husband at the time had to drive everywhere, I could drive short distances but I still had the anxiety the whole time.  It took most of my life.  I felt like I couldn't do anything and when you don't have that control it takes over your whole body.  People who never experienced what I did for years don't understand what I went through.  I feared a lot.  I avoided things because I feared I would have another anxiety attack.  I couldn't enjoy things with my family for that same fear. 

I'm now trying to control these emotions through yoga and meditation.  I try to avoid negative things and I try to tell myself that life is about taking risks, enjoying life, and not hiding from the world.

After I lost weight and got divorced my anxiety lessened but recently with all the stress and 2 kids and living with my mom its been insane.  I still don't have my life back.  I been doing a lot of research and talking to others with the same condition to try and help me get my life back and do things I wouldn't normally do.  I would like to find people in this area that have the same problems and help deal with these emotions.

I pray that God will help me get better and to show me that life is about living, not fearing.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Story thats near and dear to my heart

Growing up I was the chubby nerdy girl who pretty much sat with her nose in a book.  I hung out with the "average" people, the ones who didn't belong in any particular group just hung out with whoever would.  I grew up in the 80's and 90's, I graduated in 1998.  I don't remember teenage suicide though I did remember when I was 14 I was being bullied by a boy in middle school.  I remember buying diet pills and taking more than I should just to see if I could get myself thin.  I tried to overdose on them but failed nonetheless.  I think it was mere cowardliness on my part, I was scared to die but I was also depressed..not a good combo.

I came across this website and it really hit home.  How can we teach our children that bullying is not okay?  How can we make sure our kids are safe and that we don't have to worry about them using a variety of methods to try and end their life?


Without communication children are naive to the outside world.  We have to teach our children that love and understanding is more important than hating someone because they are different.  My children are exposed to different kinds of people because I want them to learn love.  My friends are gay men and yes, I think that its okay for my children to know that they are, I think its important that they know.  We can't change people's minds but we can educate them and teaching them to love everyone no matter race, gender, and sexuality.

If my children see people that are different than they are and they ask me questions I will answer truthfully and sincerely and with LOVE not biased hatred.  Hate breeds hate and thats one thing my children will not be.

As I was dropping my entrecards on various bloggers sites I came across this one and I thought it was a perfect idea for my post tonight.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Having an Adele moment...

Excuse me for a moment while I have this because I either debate on eating a whole package of cookies or write this post..I chose not to add more fat to my stomach so here goes.

I understand that this blog is attached to my facebook but right now I don't care, I am pouring my heart out because of the horrible day I have had. 

I felt bad that my daughter had to have 4 shots though I have to say that before it happened she was all excited about getting them not knowing exactly what it pertained.

I had a talk with a guy that I fell for, harder than anyone else I met.  We stopped talking for awhile due to the fact that he tore my heart in two.  We made up through facebook messages a few months ago and then lived our lives.  I had to talk to him about some things then my feelings for him came up again and I hate it, I hate that my heart still longs for him.  I will never be with him since he's in love with someone else.  I'm trying my best to be happy for him and move on but its still hard. 

After my ex and I split I had my heart broken a lot, looking for that void that needed to be filled that my ex neglected to do because alcohol and his own business were more important.  When I met this guy I tried hard not to fall for him because of what had happened before with other guys but it was difficult for me.  I spent a lot of time with him when I wasn't working or having the kids.  I then realized you can't make someone fall in love with you and I know that from past guys that have came and gone in my life.

I now have a guy here that wants to be with me but I still am iffy because I have issues with trusting guys and this guy knows it.  He is trying but in my heart I just can't.  I guess I really am not ready to be in a serious relationship even though I want one.  Loneliness sucks but its better than getting hurt again.  There are times where I just don't get it, I never really understood why people say they are in love, I guess because when I was with my ex I thought I was in love but never really "felt" it if that makes sense.  I never really felt "in love" just the feeling of being wanted and loved.  I was married to someone who wasn't the marrying type and there are times where I think I'm not either and never was.  I want to feel that, I want to feel the butterflies and the spark and all that silly love crap.

I wish nothing but the best for him and I'm glad we are friends.  I will never have him, maybe in another life, but definitely not this one and maybe its for the best, only fate can determine that.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Ugh, my blog posts

Are not as fun as they used to be..I used to post funny pics and be (somewhat) popular on Entrecard.  Ok, so my goal for the next week is to be more positive in life and my posts and be more upbeat.